I think we are all born with a hole
inside of us. A gaping emptiness that we feel acutely before we can
speak the words to express it to others. Babies cry for the touch of
their parents, toddlers weep when they find themselves unexpectedly
alone. Small children are driven utterly distraught at the
possibility they won't have a friend to sit with at lunch, or to play
with at recess.
They feel it before they fully
understand it. And even though they don't understand it, they are
looking to fill it. The thing they dread is not the dark, it's not
clowns, sharks, monsters under the bed—it's being alone, and
knowing it.
We feel this tremendous emptiness as we
enter this world, and to the day we exit it the only thing that
drives us to do anything, is to find some way to fill that void.
But as we grow, we begin to notice
things about the void. We notice that no matter how old we are, a hug
from a mother can make the world a little less scary. We notice that
when in the company of a good friend, all the issues and problems
fade a little bit into something we can manage. That a success can
makes you feel so big that that the hole seems smaller. We notice
love—love is the one thing the everyone around us seems to think
will fill up the hold and fix the loneliness. Love is the ideal that
society chases, an elusive prey that one can never quite get
cornered. And as we grow, we realize that the only thing we can do if
we ever hope to not feel the pain of being utterly alone forever is
to run, though the prize is unsure.
And inevitably, at one point or
another, we all stop running. We come to a stop and look around and
realize that we don't really know what we're chasing anymore.
For those more hip to the urban life
style, this is where we “settle.” Where we take an evaluation of
our lives, of the current things around us, and make a decision—to
keep it, or to toss it all away. If you're lucky, the person sleeping
next to you makes the same decision you do.
Some of us pretend that they made a
decision they didn't. They look ahead and think that a family with
Mister or Miss Right Now is better than wondering lonely until they
stumble into the Forever person.
Some people work, divine a meaning from
their careers, and comfort themselves with that.
Some people seek out others, fill the
emptiness with the animal comfort of physical contact. Something to
make the nights a little less cold.
Still others fool themselves with their
eyes, surround themselves with inanimate things, look at something
full to feel less empty.
And sometimes, we open our eyes, face
the future, and accept the loneliness. And in this become a little
less frightened, a little less insecure. And realize that the way to
fill the void is from within, not without.
If you're very lucky, you realize this
before you become an angry bitter creature, who's forgotten about the
hope in the world.
Welp. I hope you've enjoyed the melodramatic and obnoxiously rom-com introspection.
Toodles!
